Heard Voices

So, im a(n) (older) teenager now and finally raising my own money to help myself. In my younger youth I was never able to actually seek medical care as I come from a poor family. Which means only now where I have a job can I afford basic medical care. I am still pushing though to get better medical care as doctors consistantly dont listen to me. A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety though and its still definitely a fight to get represented. My school denies basic medical care given my anxiety reasoning that I "am not doing anything to help it" so that great. The school also doesn't care about my scoliosis or tulsar coalition which makes it painful to make it out of bed everyday. They reason that well its also not that bad! So no extra time to do anything at school for me I suppose. My job is better I get a lot of breaks off my feet to help me so im really thankful to them. I feel like the only thing keeping me going everyday is unironically minecraft events since I can feel free to walk around and do everything else I can't do some days. Its a struggle especially because even my own family treats me like im alright all the time, that im not struggling with many disabilities. I keenly remember an experience I had with my father once where he tried to compare himself to me and said "well im older so I have way worse problems than you so stop whining" this is how im treated by most adults. Not to mention I have about a -5 or worse in both of my eyes 1 nearsighted 1 farsighted and severe astigmatism in both eyes. I also have other stuff I haven't yk listed here its already super long but uh. I can say it can get better to anyone who also struggles with stuff I have. You can always find something that can make your life a little bit brighter just like well minecraft civ events for me.

⚠️ TW: Sexual assault, abuse, grooming ⚠️

My story is one that I've gotten a lot more comfortable telling thanks to a combination of therapy and the support of very good and kind people, and even then, sometimes it feels like it happened to a completely different person. It took ages for my first therapist to get me to say out loud that what I went through was abuse, and even then there was always a part of me that felt like it couldn't have been that bad. Not bad enough for me to lump myself in with people who I believed deserved genuine kindness, patience, and love. I didn't think any of that was what I deserved, and I downplayed myself by saying that I was just looking for attention.

My full story is probably way longer than anyone would ever want to read, but to try and sum things up as sweetly as possible, by the age of 7, I had my first encounter with sexual assault. Although I didn't understand what it was at the time, it would be the first among several men who would go on to groom me. I didn't understand what was happening at such a young age, I only knew how uncomfortable I was, yet it had always been beaten into me as the eldest daughter in the family that I was supposed to do what adults told me to do, and that I had to be "big enough" to handle the hard things so my little siblings didn't have to go without. So I did what I was told and I never spoke of it--he told me I wasn't allowed to, and I was the good girl who did what she was told.

Although the worst of it was with the man I used to call "dad." He wasn't actually my dad, biologically, he was just the guy who was obsessed with my mom. So much so, that when she divorced him, he took the soonest chance to take me and my siblings away from her. So, from the ages of 12 until I was about 18, I was kidnapped, and made to believe it was my own fault. He tried to make everything seem like it was our decision. My little siblings were on board with living with him--he made it seem like he had more money at the time and spoiled them with gifts and trips to amusement parks and things like that during our stay with him. I wanted to go home to my mom, but being the eldest daughter, once again my sense of duty instilled at such a young age was used against me. He told me this "better life" my siblings and I had could only be sustained if ALL of us were on board with it. If I wanted to go back to mom (who was made to seem "poor" and unfit) then all of us would have to go, and it'd be my fault for whatever happened next. So, I stayed.

It should probably come as no surprise that I suffered a lot of abuse under this man, so I won't go too much into those details. Even despite that, having both been raised to just "take it" and keep going, and soon being surrounded by other kids with bad home lives, I would start thinking of all of this as normal things people went through with their parents. I was still angry and upset and confused, but I chalked it up to just being a whiny teenager like on tv. There was no one around to tell me that what was happening was wrong, even though it certainly felt very wrong, especially when the person I once called my dad started grooming me, too. Instead, I blocked it out until years later where I would break down suddenly as repressed memories flooded my mind in horrible pieces.

Originally, I wanted to help kids who were like me, and I started studying psychology, hoping to target child psychology and eventually move on from there. However, between the growing number of issues my body was going through, and a lack of financial support, things never really managed to get off the ground. By the time I got to a point where going back to school was an option, not only was the job market pretty saturated, but it'd take over a decade to get into the field I wanted, and I worried I wouldn't have the ability to do what I wanted anyway.

Somehow, that wound up turning me onto streaming. I remember watching folks like Philza and Technoblade when lockdown happened, and how uplifting they were to their communities. But something in particular that stuck out to me was a streamer mentioning how they didn't allow people to talk about personal issues in chat, because they were a streamer meant to help people break away from all of that. And while I agreed that was a good thing to have, it made me want a space for people to get that kind of advice or help. Having fun was still a part of things, sure, but what about people who needed help and didn't know where else to go?

I decided I wanted to be that space. I didn't get to pursue a full certification in psychology like I had first planned, but I could still be a safe space, I figured. So, I started streaming Minecraft, trying--and failing--to do my own hardcore challenge. I met friends, and I soon had teens coming into chat calling me "mom" and venting to me when things were hard. Among my first followers, I met someone who was in a pretty similar position that I was at when turning 18--scared, abused, facing homelessness, and struggling with their queer identity all on top of that. I won't get into too many more details, as it's their story to tell completely, but it was the first time I felt like I was able to truly help someone, and it inspired me to go further.

As of today, I love my community, and if there's nothing else, I'm hoping I can be someone people can turn to and who can validate them, letting them know that abuse isn't okay or normal no matter where it's coming from. I hope I can be the kind of person I needed to advocate for me. Joining up with everyone here is just another opportunity for me to put that kind of energy out into the world, and if anyone needs a place to feel safe and heard, I'll be here for you!